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'How to...' 1 - Dealing with the portaloos.
Thought I'd start with one of the first sides to festivals, the shitters!
First allow me to lay down some of the most important, fundamental rules of using the poo shacks.
1. Never use the toilets inside the arena, most of the time these will be the most used and the least cleaned.
2. Avoid using the portaloos between the hours of 6pm-4am. This may seem like along time not to poop but although people will always be drunk this is could be the time when most sillyness occurs
3. Take note when they are clean and use them directly afterwards.
4. The further you go from the arena/stages the cleaner the toilets will be because less people use them.
5. It is always best to use a bog surrounded by others (see illustration) as this means less chance of it being pushed over.
6. Speed is of the essence!
7. Never allow the experience to be a waste, only enter the WC make absolutly sure you need to.
8. If you can avoid the wee penitentiary then do at all costs.
9. No one's camped down wind from the loos for a reason, they smell a tad!
10. If your in one of the lav's at Glastonbury with no lock (you know the ones!!!) DON'T LOOK DOWN!!!!!
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Helpful pointers
I like to use an entire roll of loo paper. Some say this is a wasye but that often by those who have never experienced it. I like to lay at least three layers of bog roll around the seat, but never at any point does my skin come into contact with the seat. Then hover over the toilet, when you feel paper on your butt pull away a bit. Once done use large quantities of loo roll to wipe arse, flush and run. Run very fast and dont look back.
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Ooooooooohhhhh the smell!
What covers up the smell of shit and piss? Skunk. All you need to do is roll a nice skunk spliff before every visit. You may even come to enjoy it =)
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Portaloo - to be song to the tune of Waterloo by Abba
My, my, at portaloo, my bowels did surrender
Oh yeah, I've freed myself and now I'm feeling better
The bog roll sat on the shelf
Just waiting to be used by myself
Portaloo If you weren't there I'd use the floor
Portaloo I promise to love you forever more
Portaloo Your sweet smelling odour - portaloo
Portaloo Knowing my fate is to sit on you
Portaloo I drop my trousers in front of you
My, my, I tried to hold it back but you were stronger
Oh yeah, and now it seems my only hope is giving up the fight
And how could I ever refuse
In you I do number 2s
Portaloo If you weren't there I'd use the floor
Portaloo I promise to love you forever more
Portaloo Your sweet smelling odour - portaloo
Portaloo Knowing my fate is to sit on you
Portaloo I drop my trousers in front of you
And how could I ever refuse
In you I do number 2s
Portaloo Oh to read a book on top of you
Portaloo In Canada you were a pit
Portaloo But now you're a great piece of kit!
Visit Rotaloo
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So what new in Portaloos?
Just so you know that someone somewhere hears the festies cries for better toilets, 'The "Rota-Loo 101" design incorporates simplicity with functionality whilst still retaining the performance advantages that only a rota-loo system can yield making it the perfect composting toilet system.' |
